The test
showed that I have some hearing loss and needed hearing aids. It was a very confusing time for me to say
the least. I was already struggling with
fitting in this new land. And now
this. I had an even harder time
accepting that I had a hearing problem and needed aids to help me. I felt like it was some form of disability to
be ashamed of. I don’t remember having
any positive support that helped prepare me emotionally. All I felt was that something was wrong with
me and that everyone was better than me.
I just wanted to hide it. I felt embarrassed
that I had to wear hearing aids. I felt
defective.
For the next
three decades, I held on to those unpleasant feelings tightly. It was the only way I knew how to deal with
my hearing loss. I hid it and resented
it deeply. Hurt and anger were some of my softer emotions. I was terrified of people seeing
my hearing aids. I made sure my hair
covered it. Why does this have to happen
to me? I asked myself.
Why can’t I be like everyone else who can hear clearly? I was devastated.
I felt that god was punishing me. I wanted to not be hearing impaired. It consumed me. I felt less than. It left me very insecure.
Being
hearing impaired shaped most of my life.
This was all that I saw. A broken
human being. I didn’t feel I had much to offer the world
really. I experienced a lot of highs and
lows with my emotions. I really believed
that I was a bother to people having to repeat things to me. Sometimes chunks of information are missing
from conversations. At one point in
time, I was on anti-depressant. It
helped me to cope a bit better, but wasn’t the solution to what I was experiencing.
But because I was always trying harder at
everything including education, work and relationships, I was able to achieve
some degree of confidence. You can say
that I was an over achiever. My
achievement in life became how I define myself.
Don’t get me wrong, I feel very blessed for what I’ve achieved. As I saw myself as an inadequate person, I was
also able to see more ways to better myself.
When it came
to wearing my hearing aids, it was a very uncomfortable experience. For me, there were itchiness in the ears
after wearing it for a couple hours. My
ears would feel sore. And people sounded
funny. I ended up having to take it off
often. I was not enjoying the experience at all. So to be honest, I didn’t really give it a
fair chance. I hardly wore the hearing
aids. It wasn’t the best thing to do. Throughout
the years, I’ve tried again and again, but with the same experience.
Now, I’ve
decided to take control of my life. Just
one step at a time. I have immersed
myself with the Deaf Community learning about hearing loss and the deaf culture. I am learning sign language. I am getting new hearing aids. I have become more open and willing to tell
people that I have a hearing loss. Amazingly, people are eager to accommodate. Hearing help tips to follow in my next blog. I am
ready and able to be of support to anyone who has experienced these unhealthy emotions with
their hearing loss. The healing has begun from this beautiful
life experience . It is no longer a
curse, but rather it is a blessing. I am
empowered to have learned so much. Accepting
who I am is transformational. It’s a gift.
Indeed we are perfect just the way we were
created.
Greatful to all those who are part of my journey here on earth. Many Blessings!
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